Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You're like the curious george of whores
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
