Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
