I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
