Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
