Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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