Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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