genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
