so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
