i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
