Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
