oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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