I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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