Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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