saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
