You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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