I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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