this beer tastes like vomit already
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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