oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
