ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
