the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
