There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
