Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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