We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
