checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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