At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
