also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
