how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
