Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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