I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
