It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
