At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
