When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
