On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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