why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
