I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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