"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I believe in your delicious
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
