Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
