i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
