Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
