I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
