rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
