I am puke
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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