**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
