I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
