remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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