how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
