sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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