Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
