the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
