I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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