dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Two words: nipple clamps
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