On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
