doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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