Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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